Interesting dream i had...
I dreamed I stumbled into class late and told the teacher i had to see the counselor. When i turned to leave i had to double-take. I saw "past" me looking depressed and disheveled, drawing while the teacher lectured. She was outside the class room and appeared to be sickly. So, i ran over to her and grabbed her by the hand. I looked at her with tears in my eyes. She couldn't look up and her hand was cold... clammy. I told her, shaking her hand, "You got this. You're gonna make it!!" Finally she looked up, a half smile of appreciation on her face and drowsy eyes. She was crying earlier. But as i left her that moment she continued to draw with a smile, getting the attention of a class mate who asked if one of the doodles was a character she made. Her new confident smile brightened the air around her.
Which brings me to the second half of this post. Sometimes, to be honest, I have considered giving up on what i do. Depression has this veil over my eues where i feel like there's no point to drawing. "Who cares?" It tells me. "No one does. You're not special, you'll go generally unnoticed for the rest of your life."
Which... yeah. I get it. I'm not the tumblr famous or deviantART featured or toyhou.se highlighted artist. Sometimes i question why I keep drawing or what's the point. Why do I honestly think I or my so called "talents" are worth anything... currency, intangible, anything.
Sometimes i want to quit patreon, quit deviantart, all that, and just... hide. And stop drawing.
But I feel like there's a reason I'm here. There's a reason i had that vivid of a dream, and it played out the way it did. It's so hard when someone seeks external approval/support because they never feel like they get enough, if any. At least, that's the case with me. I need to stop looking for external validation and find the strength within myself.
And to you, who are reading this, thank you. You know who you are, racing to my side, holding my hand and reminding me that everything will be okay. That i am a talented and capable woman.
I'm not famous or... anything. Hell, I doubt this will reach anyone. But I want you to know that you have been a pillar in my life. No matter how miserable I am on the outside, there's a little girl smiling with newfound confidence on the inside. So...
Guess I'm coming back. ♡
Not feelin' it.
I'm not feeling very well to be fairly honest. Both physically and the other one. Not gonna go into detail too much but I've been incredibly miserable these past few days annnnnd tried to do something incredibly stupid not too long ago. Which sucks, considering I was going to offer a dumb stream to you guys.
Just super wrecked, man. Situation over her isn't going too well and I'm hoping
that eventually I can get a job and get my family our own place. I'm getting sick of the mother-in-law to-be with her foul mood. It's like she hates
it when we're even partially enjoying ourselves. I'm sick of being a burden to everyone. All I want to do really is cry, and then sleep. But I can't. Not when there's so much to do.
So on that note, I do in fact have some projects lined up. I've been working on them when I can but I'm just-- too bloody fucked off to do anything.
Second TwistedFates Novel
Hoping to publish this by the end of spring/mid summer. I'm doing the first pass of the editing stage, then I have a lot of drawings and illustrations to do. At the rate I'm working I wanna say it'll be released on June 1st at least. So... if you're excited about that, please keep in touch with me.
Of course Patrons will get a massive discount, as well as gifts. I'm hoping to create bookmarks to go with the orders.
Megaman X: Hybrid
This one is tricky. I've been doing small edits to make the end of the Prologue flow better. After I finish the novel, I'm hoping to get these last few pages out, then the Prologue will finally be over. Though... I guess it's not a prologue as much as it is a pitch. Don't know when Chapter 1 will ever start, considering I've been on the fence about everything. I have that $20 goal on Patreon but... I don't know. Feel like shit the more I think about it.
Room 301 (Indie RPG)
Another tricky one. What I'm hoping is that when I complete the novel and Hybrid, I will spend the summer developing the game with Clover1
. Still waiting for the team to get in touch with me on this one. There's been small developments off and on, but I don't know...
Moving on, I do try to update the tumblr blog
a lot. S-so I mean if you'd like to follow the developments on that, that's probably a thing. ;;
I'm so sorry this update is super glum. I mean-- there are good news I think? But I'll save that for when I can redeem myself. I don't like looking like some sort of pan handler or something. I think I'll be back on April 3. For now, I hope you can forgive me.
Please enjoy your weekend.